Punching Bag

Life is made up of all sorts of decisions… right? Well this morning I woke and was like “YES, I’M AWESOME, LETS DO LIFE”.. Followed by drinking too much coffee and being too long on the Internet. Wow, what a whirlwind today! But on a more serious note: decisions.

Sometimes I feel like no matter what choice we make, it’s never the good one, we need to pick the one that hurts the least more than the one that will have a positive outcome. These days I feel like I’m making the “easy” decisions, staying home at night, not going to the gym, saying no to opportunities on the weekend even. And THEN, I sit there and wonder “wtf is wrong with me?”..

It’s easier to be inactive, it requires less of ourselves. So I started wondering (which led me here).. Why am I making those choices specifically? Is it laziness? Am I insecure about myself in a personal context? MAYBE, just maybe, it’s the weather?

I realized that I often feel guilty about things that aren’t mine to deal with in the first place (another choice). I constantly remind myself “that’s not your emotion to live Ariel” but it seems my heart cannot cope with leaving someone stranded emotionally. But I’m tired now.

Ohhhh exhaustion! I am flipping exhausted of being the punching bag. Sometimes, when I’m too fed up, I just play the ghost game, disappear until I have to face the music all over again. But it’s so amazing to just leave! No one gets it, how I can just abandon a situation without a word, but I guess if they knew the emotional crap I need to deal with on a daily basis, they would do the same.

I’m kind of realizing now that I can’t support everyone and support myself all at once. There’s only so much that’s humanly possible for me to do. Anyway, with this emotional rant somewhat over, I leave you all on this note:

Always be true to your heart, and value yourself more than others.

 

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